I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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