I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
