exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
