I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I think I am morally bankrupt
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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