The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
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Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
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the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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