were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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