hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
