can we get nightvision for the apartment?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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