At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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