Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
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