I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
