Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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