piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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