im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
This is the high leading the old right now
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
