The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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