Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
My balls are so social today.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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