I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
