She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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