Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I can't turn off my feet"
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
