Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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