So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize