Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
