I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
