I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
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And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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