I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
