Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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