Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
