Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
