I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
