i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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