I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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