hotel room ftw
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
