I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
