you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
