I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
