Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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