i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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