Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
