Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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