dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
