Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
