Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
