Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
