You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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