Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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