Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
