I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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