We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
