My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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