Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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