I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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