I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
