Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
