i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
