Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
