the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
