one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
