Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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